The Wrongest Blog
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
  Another Bad Thing About Being Fat -- Alli Causes Oily Skid Marks

While flipping through today's Chicago Sun-Times (print version) over a plate of the worst panang curry ever, Mr Wrong came across an Associated Press headline refering to the obesity drug Alli's "underwear problem."

No way we weren't going to get to the bottom of this.

We suffered through paragraph after disgusting paragraph about how the FDA was approving (for OTC use, no less) yet another expensive drug people don't need. Finally, near the bottom, we came across this little gem in Andrew Bridges' story about Orlistat, aka Alli:

Orlistat acts by blocking the absorption of about one-quarter of any fat consumed in a meal. That fat -- the equivalent of about 150 to 200 calories -- is passed out of the body in stools, which can be loose or oily as a result. Other side effects include fecal incontinence, gas and oily spotting of undergarments.

Suddenly, in between sips of thai iced coffee, we're getting a cruel visual of some rounder's butthole blasting oily globules all over his boxers every time he passes wind.

We're not sure why, but our mind's eye breezed right through the part about "fecal incontinence" and settled into a slow motion scene in which the tranquility of a soft white screen is suddenly shattered by a high-velocity SPLAT. It's quickly followed by another less-violent splat, as though a two-shot execution-style killing had taken place just outside the field of view. (It was very Oliver Stone...)

The whole thing left us feeling sad. We can't help but assume these greasy skidmarks are capable of soaking through under- and over-garments, and before you know it every bus seat and barstool in the country is going to be sullied by fatties' fatty ass juice. It's really fucking disgusting when you think about it.

We offer the following tips as a public service:

1) Fatties -- don't believe the marketing hype! Read the fine print. This stuff barely works at all, and only if you diet and exercise. So it's a catch-22, see? If you dieted and exercised, you wouldn't need Alli. But you don't, and paying GlaxoSmithKline $25 a week ain't gonna make up for that.

2) Beware! Alli doesn't work until you've been taking it (and dieting, and exercising, and shitting yourself) for quite a while.

3) If you're gonna be a sucker and try this stuff, try WALKING to McDonalds for a change and for god's sake, buy some plastic underpants.

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Great! Now there will be a bunch of poop soiled, fat, white women running around America saying, "praise Alli!" Such confusing times we live in.
Touche -- I wish I had been clever enough to think of that!
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Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Stan and Angus Wrong are married. (Yes, Stan is a chick.) They go through life like a couple of blissing freaks. They laugh and laugh at you and your mom.

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